2 lines and then....... Nothing (TMI)

On Thursday, 12 September, my life changed again. Seeing the 2 lines on the home pregnancy test was amazing. My first thoughts were how to tell hubby. Then how to tell Matthew. And our friends and family. How were we going to set up the baby room? These were my first thoughts. I kept this news to myself till Friday, when hubby came home from working away the week.

Faint line

I did another test Friday morning, wanting to be certain that the first test wasn't just showing an evap line or something. This test was from a different batch :)

Very faint line but still a line

I even went for blood work on Friday. Wanting to go to Mark with proof that there is definitely a little beanie baby.

The level was low (only 17) but still proof that I was pregnant, just very early on in pregnancy. I must be honest with myself here and say that I was a bit disappointed in the levels of my HcG count. I didn't want to get too excited and tell everyone only to not have this one go on. (Boy, do I need to trust my instincts more often.)

I told Mark by giving him a gift bag with a teeny tiny babygrow inside with the 2 tests wrapped in it. He opened the gift, just sat there looking at the babygrow (he didn't even open it up and see the tests).Watching the joy come over his face is something I will cherish forever. He was so happy and so excited! He (luckily) agreed with me to keep the secret with just us for a few days. We wanted to cherish this moment for a little while before involving everyone else. (Last time, he couldn't wait to shout it from the rooftops)
The weekend, we had a visit from Mark's parents. It was really hard not saying anything, not complaining about being nauseas and tired LOL! We were at my parents house yesterday and the same thing. It was hard not saying anything. hahahaha

It all started yesterday morning. I had gone to the loo and when I wiped there was a little red smear on the toilet paper. I didn't want to worry so I tried to play it off as maybe implantation bleeding or maybe breakthrough bleeding. (I still had all my pregnancy symptoms). We went to my parents house, had lunch and were just relaxing, watching tv when I went to the loo again and this time, it looked like AF arrived. *sob* It was bright red and there was (TMI) a little clot on the toilet paper. I was devastated. I didn't want to tell Mark. How do I break his world? How do I tell him the baby he was so looking forward to is no more??? 

I couldn't wait to go home. He just held me and told me that it's ok. But how is it ok? How did my body betray me like this and evict that tiny little bean? As bad as this is, I'm just glad the bleeding started yesterday while Mark was home and not while he is away this week. I would not have been able to handle this on my own. 

I never ever thought that I would have a miscarriage. I always thought that I'd get pregnant with the first try and carry a healthy baby to full term. I am too scared to try again though. I don't know if I'll be able to get through something like this again. Why did this happen? Maybe I just need time to get over this and I'll feel better when it's time to try again. Maybe....

Results

So the results of the HPT were......... I have no idea. I didn't get a chance to even use it. AF arrived before I could. 

I was extremely sad and had a good cry about it. Deep down, I kind of knew it wasn't to be. But hubby was getting excited and even though I told myself not to get caught up in his excitement until we took the test, I still did. 
But it's over now and we can enjoy the practice. Not sure if we're going to continue with the not actively trying or what but hubby is going away again for 2 months starting on Monday. We'll only get to practice weekends, so we'll see.

Now I need to figure out why AF was 8 days late and why my pms was so out of wack. Or do I just leave it and go with the flow??? 

Day 8

Day 8 of no AF and we didn't manage to get an HPT yesterday. Will definitely get one today. 

This is just a quick update on me... 

I feel like every time I go to the loo (which ends up being up to 10 times for the day) I'm expecting to see AF has arrived. And the huge sense of relief whenever I realise that it hasn't happened yet....

I am super teary!!! I can't read anything, look at photos, watch tv, anything, then I want to cry. Even the most mundane things make me teary. Watching Matthew play with his toy cars, for goodness sake, makes me teary. This alone makes me positive that I'll see 2 lines on that test.

Cramping is still going strong. The cramps are on both sides (near where I normally get my ovarian pains), they come and go and aren't that bad that I can't manage. I have started getting pains in my groin as well, similar to the ligament pains I had when I was pregnant with Matthew. 

The nausea has subsided a bit. It's not bad at all (touch wood) and come in waves that last a few minutes throughout the day. 

I've noticed that my boobs aren't that sore anymore. I think this is the reason why I keep expecting AF every time I go to the loo. With Matthew, I had major boob pain for weeks. 

I was telling hubby last night that I NEED to get this test and know for sure, so that I can stop torturing myself with what if's. I mean what if I'm not pregnant? Then why is AF so late? 
Must. Get. Test. Today.

Is it or not?

After a pregnancy scare last month (I was 4 days late) and hubby not wanting another baby yet (asked me something along the lines of "is there something you take to make it go away?", we seem to be in the same boat again. Only this time, hubby seems to have done a complete 360. Here's some of our conversation earlier:

  

I am 7 days late. My symptoms include sore and tingling boobs, slight nausea, running to the loo to pee more often, cramping in my lower abdomen and a sore back. AF was supposed to arrive 6 August, after 31 days from LMP. This puts me at CD 39. We weren’t actively trying and yet also not actively trying to prevent it.

So we will get the HPT tonight and test first thing tomorrow morning. Please hold thumbs for a BFP!

Not eating, not sleeping

For 11 weeks, hubby has been travelling for work, Monday to Friday, and then back home weekends. (So he’s home Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights).

Matthew was always a co-sleeping baby until a few months ago when we moved him into his own room. I would sit with him until he falls asleep and he’d wake between 1 am and 3 am, call for me and I’d go sit with him again till he fell asleep. When hubby started going away, Matthew got into the habit (or should I say I allowed the habit to form) of sleeping with me in my bed, normally only the Monday night. Then Tuesday to Thursday same routine as before, in his bed with me sitting with him. Only difference now, was that instead of calling for me when he woke in the middle of the night, I would wake up with this little face staring at me from inches away. I made the mistake of putting him in bed with me then, instead of getting up and putting him back into his own bed.

When hubby gets home Friday, Matthew just refuses flat out to sleep in his own bed. He wants to be close to hubby and sleep with us. Now I understand why he felt like this, he missed his dad, was scared that he wouldn’t see his dad again for a few days and that if he woke up his daddy would be gone (we never did this, hubby always said goodbye to him and never left while Matthew was sleeping). But it was the whole weekend. We indulged him (mistake I know but I think we felt guilty of Matthew missing out on time with his daddy) and we would wait until he fell asleep with us and then move him to his room.

This was the first week after nearly 3 months that hubby is back to normal, no more travelling, and things have been a bit rough with Matthew. I don’t know if it’s just an age thing and it’s something all toddlers go through or if it has anything to do with hubby being away for so long. Matthew is 2.4 years old and since Monday night, he refuses to eat. I know this is normal behavior for toddlers and they won’t starve themselves. He only wants yoghurt, biscuits (mini cheddars), sweets and peanut butter sandwich.

My mom picks him up from crèche in the evenings and then feeds him and my niece. Since Monday, he doesn’t want to eat when he’s there and tells her “Don’t want” and “Don’t like it”. We then pick him up, go home and when hubby and I eat, Matthew will normally eat with us, sometimes just out of our plates. When he didn’t want, we just left it and figured he’ll eat if he’s hungry. Normal. But he went to go fetch a bowl and asked for food. I dished the food in the bowl and gave it to him. He looked at it and gave it back saying “Don’t want”. Fine. But he kept asking for food. I tried everything and eventually just gave up and left him. He threw the mother of all tantrums and wouldn’t stop. We left him. Fast forward a little bit. Bath-time is over and it’s time for sleep. Matthew refuses and I want to tear my hair out. I sit with him in his room. I sit with him in the lounge. I leave him alone in his bed. He has a night light, hubby and I are both up and the light is on in the lounge. So it can’t be that. Hubby eventually went to fetch him and put him in our bed. Oh and bedtime is 8pm and we struggle with him to go sleep from 8pm to 9pm.

This has been our nightly routine since Monday. And it can’t go on. I am slowly going insane and I’m not sleeping properly because Mr sleeps like he owns the whole bed. I don’t know what to do and I know it’s going to take some drastic action to get him to change. He is fully potty trained and eventually off the dummy. (Oh and the night waking started again after the dummy “disappeared”). He’s almost 2 and half and still wakes in the middle of the night. I think in his whole life, I only had maybe 8 days of sleeping through the night.

Is his bedtime too early?

Too late?

Should we try to get more food in him?

Burn off more energy before bedtime?

Should I try to incorporate maybe story time in bed before lights out?

Maybe put all the lights off?

Try some lavender essential oils?

Or just leave it for now and go with the flow? It is my own fault we’re in this situation in the first place…

New sibling not to be

A few days ago I wrote about AF being late and that I wasn’t sure if Matthew was getting a sibling in the near future. Here’s a quick rundown of what the last few days’ “symptoms” have been and why I was so sure that this oven was baking :)

02 June 2013

AF due

05 June 2013

HPT taken with first morning wee – negative

Last wee before bedtime – slight reddish/pinkish tinge on TP

06 June 2013

Super sore boobs

Nausea on and off (not too bad)

Tired eyes

Cramping on and off

Slight headache

Still no AF

Speaking to DH on Wednesday about this “Maybe Baby”, he was super stressed out. His company was talking again about closing down his department in the near future and thus retrenching him. Finances are tight already without this also happening. So I do understand his worries. But he asked me if there was anything I could take to make that the pregnancy doesn’t happen. (Even though if I was pregnant, it would be too late to take anything, and he was essentially asking me about terminating the pregnancy.) This got me thinking and as much as I love my husband, terminating a pregnancy is something I will not do. EVER!

I thought about if I did do it, and we eventually got around to trying for another in a year or two. What happens if we can’t conceive? I think I will resent DH for making me go through it and then also hating myself for not fighting harder. It is so with great relief (and disappointment) that AF arrived late last night.

I am relieved that I don’t have to go through a fight with DH about keeping the pregnancy.

I am relieved that we don’t have to go through the stress of being unable to finance another baby right now.

I am relieved that DH and I can now look at each other again.

On the other hand, I am rather disappointed because I want another baby so badly it hurts.

I am disappointed because Matthew won’t know the joy of being a big brother just yet.

I am disappointed because my arms long to hold another warm little body, my heart craves to love another little soul and my body is so ready to carry another living being.

But so be it. Our time will come, soon. 

Doctor visit, meds, being late and a nappy cake

We've started with the first bout of illness for Matthew. On Saturday, 1 June, he started with a cough and slight fever, (temperature was between 37.6 and 38.2). I gave him Benylin for the cough and Nurofen for the temp. Sunday, same thing, only now he was complaining that his tummy is sore. And threw up twice that day. Lovely! Best part, I didn't have any stomach meds in the house. Sent him to creche Monday and was told by his teacher that we should take him to the doctor and bring him to creche the Tuesday (please, you're saying I'm a bad mother?"

Went to pediatrician on Tuesday, and only got one med for his chest, doctor said he was wheezing. I was there for his cough and tummy aches. Oh well. He went back to creche on Thursday but I wasn't happy with his progress and lack of meds. Took him for a second opinion on Friday and got loads of meds. He had a viral infection which could have affected him tummy as well. We walked out of there with Demazin for his cough, Scopex (she prescribed Buscopan but pharmacist gave Scopex) for his tummy, ACC 200 and an antibiotic. Mr is still on the mend 5 days later. Still coughing and a runny nose and complained again last night of a sore tummy. I pray this is not the start of another winter season filled with doctor visits and hospital stays.

Sick baby

 On a side note, I'm not sure if Matthew is expecting a sibling in the future or if my body just hates me. I have AF-type cramps, I'm nauseous, I get slight headaches, my boobs are sensitive, and AF is now 3 days late. All those 'symptoms' are exactly the same for both pregnancy and my AF. For the last few months, I have been getting nauseous a few days before AF and when that lady comes, it goes away. I took a HPT this morning and BFN. I stopped the pill 2 months ago because I ran out and then realised that my libido picked up majorly when I was off it and didn't want to go back on. The first day of my LMP was 5 May and I was due again on 2 June. Not sure if maybe it's too early to test? Maybe wait another week and if no AF test again.

Only problem is, DH does not want another baby right now. We have discussed having a second child but financially, we can't right now. We were going to wait another year or so, and this oopsie (if it is an oopsie) is  stressing DH out. I don't want him to think that I planned this because he knows how badly I want another baby. I didn't. I'm not sure if I am hoping for a positive (because I really do want another one) or a negative (because of DH). 

Oh well, here's hoping AF shows her ugly head soon....

PS: Here's a nappy cake I made recently.