2 lines and then....... Nothing (TMI)

On Thursday, 12 September, my life changed again. Seeing the 2 lines on the home pregnancy test was amazing. My first thoughts were how to tell hubby. Then how to tell Matthew. And our friends and family. How were we going to set up the baby room? These were my first thoughts. I kept this news to myself till Friday, when hubby came home from working away the week.

Faint line

I did another test Friday morning, wanting to be certain that the first test wasn't just showing an evap line or something. This test was from a different batch :)

Very faint line but still a line

I even went for blood work on Friday. Wanting to go to Mark with proof that there is definitely a little beanie baby.

The level was low (only 17) but still proof that I was pregnant, just very early on in pregnancy. I must be honest with myself here and say that I was a bit disappointed in the levels of my HcG count. I didn't want to get too excited and tell everyone only to not have this one go on. (Boy, do I need to trust my instincts more often.)

I told Mark by giving him a gift bag with a teeny tiny babygrow inside with the 2 tests wrapped in it. He opened the gift, just sat there looking at the babygrow (he didn't even open it up and see the tests).Watching the joy come over his face is something I will cherish forever. He was so happy and so excited! He (luckily) agreed with me to keep the secret with just us for a few days. We wanted to cherish this moment for a little while before involving everyone else. (Last time, he couldn't wait to shout it from the rooftops)
The weekend, we had a visit from Mark's parents. It was really hard not saying anything, not complaining about being nauseas and tired LOL! We were at my parents house yesterday and the same thing. It was hard not saying anything. hahahaha

It all started yesterday morning. I had gone to the loo and when I wiped there was a little red smear on the toilet paper. I didn't want to worry so I tried to play it off as maybe implantation bleeding or maybe breakthrough bleeding. (I still had all my pregnancy symptoms). We went to my parents house, had lunch and were just relaxing, watching tv when I went to the loo again and this time, it looked like AF arrived. *sob* It was bright red and there was (TMI) a little clot on the toilet paper. I was devastated. I didn't want to tell Mark. How do I break his world? How do I tell him the baby he was so looking forward to is no more??? 

I couldn't wait to go home. He just held me and told me that it's ok. But how is it ok? How did my body betray me like this and evict that tiny little bean? As bad as this is, I'm just glad the bleeding started yesterday while Mark was home and not while he is away this week. I would not have been able to handle this on my own. 

I never ever thought that I would have a miscarriage. I always thought that I'd get pregnant with the first try and carry a healthy baby to full term. I am too scared to try again though. I don't know if I'll be able to get through something like this again. Why did this happen? Maybe I just need time to get over this and I'll feel better when it's time to try again. Maybe....