Happy Happy Birthday My Little Dude

3 years...

3 years we've been blessed to have you in our lives. 

Mommy loves you Angelface! 

Seeing your face this morning when you opened your gifts made my day! I hope you have a super special day at creche today and that you enjoy stuffing your face with cake tonight :)

  

 

 In other news, my sister is in hospital. She was admitted yesterday with flutters on her heart. She's 27. I hope that everything is ok and that the doctors can find what is wrong and fix her.

Pregnancy news

I can't wait for my appointment on Friday! It seems like the days are going so slowly!!!

Preggy update #3

How far along? 9 weeks tomorrow (missed out on my 8 week update)

Total weight gain? Not sure but think it's still around the 1kg mark 

Maternity Clothes? Nope, not yet. 

Stretch Marks?  Only the old ones. Still using my tissue oil and moisturizer. 

Sleep: Sleeping good. Can't sleep on my tummy any more and it hurts sometimes when I lay on my left side.

Best moment this week: My little dude's birthday today!

Worst moment this week: Must be my sister being admitted to hospital. 

Miss Anything? Still coffee. And not feeling nauseas

Movement: Nope, nothing yet. Although it can't be just yet, I imagined I felt some flutters yesterday.

Food cravings: Just a Rolo chocolate almost every day. DAMN!

Anything making you queasy or sick: Still coffee and not eating soon enough.

Gender: Don't know. Must still discuss with hubby if we are going to find out

Labor Signs: Nope, not yet

Symptoms: My boobs are getting worse, the nausea, occasional headaches, tummy cramps, and this sharp pain in my groin when I move too fast (either left or right side)

Belly Button in or out?  Still in for now

Wedding rings on or off? Still on but not sure for how long :)

Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy

What I'm looking forward to: My appointment on Friday and Matthew's birthday party on Saturday

What I'm nervous about: My sister

Baby Name? No clue yet

Movement? As mentioned above, clearly none yet but imagines some flutters yesterday

Thoughts: Just want things to work out so badly... buying a house, sorting out our car (which was in a minor fender bender this morning, ai), work

Preggy update #2

Preggy update #2

How far along? 7 weeks tomorrow (couldn't wait till tomorrow to do the update hahaha)

Total weight gain? I think I may have picked up about 1 kg already. 

Maternity Clothes? Nope, not yet. But my tummy does feel a lot bigger than last time. My sister and hubby have already commented that I look very big.

Stretch Marks?  Only the old ones. Still using my tissue oil and moisturizer. 

Sleep: Sleeping good. I started waking at 5:30am to pee. Not as bad as waking in the middle of the night but still, to wake half hour before your alarm goes off is a major bummer.

Best moment this week: Conquering my smoking habit! I am now 7 days clean. It's been tough (especially that first day) but I made a promise to myself that I would quit this time around and I'm gonna stick to it!

(Added) Worst moment this week: Because of the festive season, I am struggling to get hold of my doctor to make an appointment. The voice message doesn't even say when they'll be back and I want to make an appointment for the 24th of January, I will be 9 weeks then. (Matthew's birthday party is on the 25th and I wanted to leave work early that day anyway - 2 birds and all that)

Miss Anything? Coffee! I can't stand the smell but I am so craving a cup. Odd how I don't really miss having a cigarette.

Movement: Nope, nothing yet. Way too early!

Food cravings: No cravings yet.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Coffee, Coke, and if I take too long to eat I get a bit queasy.

Gender: Don't know. Must still discuss with hubby if we are going to find out

Labor Signs: Way too early for that

Symptoms: I've started getting slight headaches recently, boobs still a bit sensitive, nausea has started getting a bit worse (especially at night)

Belly Button in or out?  Still in for now

Wedding rings on or off? Still on but not sure for how long :)

Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy

What I'm looking forward to: Setting a date with my doctor for that first scan, hearing baby's heartbeat

What I'm nervous about: Coping with a rambunctious toddler and a newborn

Baby Name? No clue yet

Movement? None yet

Thoughts: 

- Looking forward to being able to tell my co-workers about this pregnancy. It's a bit hard to hide when my belly is showing already. My one co-worker has noticed already but luckily she's the only one I told. 

- I feel stupid saying this but I have this strong feeling that there may be more than one baby o_O. I'm not too sure how I feel about that but I just wanted to document my thoughts and feelings (as silly as some of them are)

- Worried about my maternity leave. I was retrenched from my company in October but got a new permanent position in a different department within the same company (I was so very lucky). Only thing is my service restarted on 1 December and as per company policy, you need to be working at the company 1 year on the day your maternity leave starts to qualify for paid leave (75% of your salary). So even though I have been at the company for nearly 4 years, I don't think they are going to be lenient with me regarding this. I need to speak to HR but need to tell my co-workers first. Fingers crossed everything works out!

I am so impatient to get an appointment that I am even considering phoning another doctor to make an appointment. *shakes head* I need to relax and stay calm. I am sure the doctor will be back in office by the latest next Monday and there should be enough time to make an appointment for the day I want.

Hermanus news, gallstones, and something wonderful!

It's been so long since I posted here. There's much to tell but I am glad I took that hiatus. I think I needed to switch off and restart everything. 

Mark finished in Hermanus after 4 months and had to go to Vreedenburg for 1 week thereafter. He was gone a total of 7 months for this whole year!!! WOW! Still hard to believe. But he's home for now and enjoying some time off from work and spending it with Matthew. Unfortunately, I have to work through, so no leave for me but I am trying to make up for it over weekends.

Remember that gallstone the doctor found last year when he removed my appendix? Well, it's started giving me problems. I have had 4 attacks (pain so bad) so far and ended up in the ER twice already. Here's hoping things improve. I've found my trigger though, red meat. Cutting it out seems to lessen the frequency of the attacks. I am supposed to have an operation to have my gallbladder removed in January (must still make an appointment) but I have to speak to the doctor about that because........

...... In other news..........

In the top pic, the test on top was taken 22 December and the bottom one taken 23 December. The digital was taken on 24 December. I am about 5 weeks 5 days. I wanted to wait a while before even mentioning it to anyone but I am so excited!! What a super special Christmas gift!!!

Haven't had bloods taken yet and not sure if I should even do it. I have almost no symptoms this time around. Just some sore boobs now and again and slight nausea when I don't eat. This makes me so tempted to keep peeing on a stick :) Also, I wanted to put this on my blog as soon as I could so that I can start keeping track of everything and compare to my first pregnancy. :) 

I have forgotten so much and it's only been 3 and half years since I fell pregnant with my first. I can't remember which websites I used, what I went through last time, and so on. Need to find a way to remember :)

Mark and I are so happy that we have another baby on the way and that Matthew will be a big brother soon. The families are all excited and can't wait for this baby's arrival.

So I'll start with a preggy update that I will be doing once a week. 

Preggy update #1

How far along? 5 weeks 5 days (think I'm going to be doing this on a Wednesday from next week - to count from day one of the week)

Total weight gain? None yet. Here's hoping I can keep the weight gain to 7kg's or less like the last pregnancy.

Maternity Clothes? Nope, not yet. But my tummy does feel a lot bigger than last time. 

Stretch Marks?  Only the old ones. But I have started with my tissue oil and moisturizer. 

Sleep: Sleeping good. No problems just yet.

Best moment this week: Telling Mark and the family that Matthew is going to be a big brother. And seeing how happy and excited Mark has become.

Miss Anything? Not yet. But I am so going to miss my smokes. 

Movement: Nope, nothing yet

Food cravings: No cravings yet.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Certain smells and textures. Like bread, I can't eat bread at all.

Gender: Don't know. Must still discuss with hubby if we are going to find out

Labor Signs: Way too early for that

Symptoms: Sore boobs, slight nausea when I don't eat, bit of cramping now and again (just feels like I must get af soon)

Belly Button in or out?  Still in for now

Wedding rings on or off? Still on but not sure for how long :)

Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy

Looking forward to: The coming weeks, months. Knowing what to expect like the first scan, first movements, feeling those hiccups

Baby Name? No clue yet

Thoughts: Very happy about where we are at the moment. As a couple and as a family. I think this is something that we needed but when the time was right. I can't wait to see Matthew interact with this baby. I can't wait to have hubby rub my big belly and talk to his unborn child. Having been through this before, it's nice to know what is in store (more or less) and it's not so scary this time around. I feel more confident this time, although saying that, I am scared shitless already of how I am going to manage with a 3 and half year old toddler and a newborn baby. But we will manage and overall, I am just excited and so very happy!

Positive minds

Feeling so much better today. I think I may have just slept properly, I don't know. But I am so glad I'm not feeling weepy or down today. Hopefully that is gone now. 

Matthew was too cute last night. We were laying bed and he asked to speak to his daddy. I called Mark and asked him to call me back. Matthew was a little upset because he couldn't talk to his dad but I assured him that Daddy is going to call right back and he can talk to him then. When Mark called back, Matthew then refused to speak. Turning his back and saying "Go away!", "Daddy rude". Hahahaha, all because we ended that first call. 

Shame he really does miss his dad and I think we all look forward to the weekend when we can spend some quality time together. I'm a bit glad the weather is rotten this weekend, that way we get to spend the whole weekend cuddled up under blankets and together. Here's hoping I can entertain Matthew before the boredom kicks in.

The mind is a really powerful thing. It's amazing how we can psyche ourselves out of anything. But getting into the right frame of mind isn't too hard and I'm glad I was able to quickly get out of my funk and pull some of my positivity back. 

Looking forward to the weekend and spending time with my loves!

Misery

I can't stop crying today.

Partly from missing hubby - he's home tomorrow. Can't wait
The rest is from thinking about the baby we lost. It wasn't even a baby yet. But we were excited. And I had started making plans mentally. 

I can't stop Googling miscarriages and why they happen. And thinking about whether it will happen again. 

I have a beautiful almost 3 year old. He is the light of my life and such a joy. I thank God for him. 

I am falling apart and I can't let that happen. I need to be strong for my son and my husband. I need to be strong to make it through this retrenchment. I need to be strong for me. 

But it's so hard. And I am so tired of fighting it.

I am cramping and this bleeding doesn't seem to want to stop. 

I miss my husband and need a huge hug so badly.

I'm crying again.

Why can't I stop. Maybe it's just the hormones leftover or something....

Dr visit

I had a visit with my gynae today for a check up. I explained everything to her and she says I most likely had what she terms a Biochemical Miscarriage. (I'm assuming this is the same thing as a chemical pregnancy) She says that at least we know everything is working and we don't have to wait to try again. 

She did an internal and I don't need a DNC, my womb is clean and just the lining that needs to pass. I was given some folic acid and told to test later next time :) 

She actually scolded me about not taking any folic acid yet. Saying that she doesn't want me to come back and say that I haven't been taking them. I'm so glad I went (even after being scared to go and look like an idiot). She has set my mind at ease and I now know for certain that everything is still working and we get right back into the game.

The only thing I know for sure right now, is that I am only testing at CD40 or something like that. :)

In other news, I just received a call from the WPBTS (Western Province Blood Transfusion Service) asking me to donate blood tonight. I informed the lady that I had a very early miscarriage and I don't think I feel up to donating this month. She was very sympathetic and concerned. She said she totally understands as she recently underwent a similar experience. After informing me that she will be putting a hold on them calling me for 3 months, she seemed to want to say more but was hesitant. Eventually she said good luck and wishes me everything of the best. She then goes on to say this "Who knows, maybe you will be blessed with 2 babies in the near future". Honestly, I am hoping she is right. But does she mean I'll have 2 babies including Matthew or that I will get pregnant with twins? I'm hoping for the latter (just don't tell Mark LOL).

2 lines and then....... Nothing (TMI)

On Thursday, 12 September, my life changed again. Seeing the 2 lines on the home pregnancy test was amazing. My first thoughts were how to tell hubby. Then how to tell Matthew. And our friends and family. How were we going to set up the baby room? These were my first thoughts. I kept this news to myself till Friday, when hubby came home from working away the week.

Faint line

I did another test Friday morning, wanting to be certain that the first test wasn't just showing an evap line or something. This test was from a different batch :)

Very faint line but still a line

I even went for blood work on Friday. Wanting to go to Mark with proof that there is definitely a little beanie baby.

The level was low (only 17) but still proof that I was pregnant, just very early on in pregnancy. I must be honest with myself here and say that I was a bit disappointed in the levels of my HcG count. I didn't want to get too excited and tell everyone only to not have this one go on. (Boy, do I need to trust my instincts more often.)

I told Mark by giving him a gift bag with a teeny tiny babygrow inside with the 2 tests wrapped in it. He opened the gift, just sat there looking at the babygrow (he didn't even open it up and see the tests).Watching the joy come over his face is something I will cherish forever. He was so happy and so excited! He (luckily) agreed with me to keep the secret with just us for a few days. We wanted to cherish this moment for a little while before involving everyone else. (Last time, he couldn't wait to shout it from the rooftops)
The weekend, we had a visit from Mark's parents. It was really hard not saying anything, not complaining about being nauseas and tired LOL! We were at my parents house yesterday and the same thing. It was hard not saying anything. hahahaha

It all started yesterday morning. I had gone to the loo and when I wiped there was a little red smear on the toilet paper. I didn't want to worry so I tried to play it off as maybe implantation bleeding or maybe breakthrough bleeding. (I still had all my pregnancy symptoms). We went to my parents house, had lunch and were just relaxing, watching tv when I went to the loo again and this time, it looked like AF arrived. *sob* It was bright red and there was (TMI) a little clot on the toilet paper. I was devastated. I didn't want to tell Mark. How do I break his world? How do I tell him the baby he was so looking forward to is no more??? 

I couldn't wait to go home. He just held me and told me that it's ok. But how is it ok? How did my body betray me like this and evict that tiny little bean? As bad as this is, I'm just glad the bleeding started yesterday while Mark was home and not while he is away this week. I would not have been able to handle this on my own. 

I never ever thought that I would have a miscarriage. I always thought that I'd get pregnant with the first try and carry a healthy baby to full term. I am too scared to try again though. I don't know if I'll be able to get through something like this again. Why did this happen? Maybe I just need time to get over this and I'll feel better when it's time to try again. Maybe....