New sibling not to be

A few days ago I wrote about AF being late and that I wasn’t sure if Matthew was getting a sibling in the near future. Here’s a quick rundown of what the last few days’ “symptoms” have been and why I was so sure that this oven was baking :)

02 June 2013

AF due

05 June 2013

HPT taken with first morning wee – negative

Last wee before bedtime – slight reddish/pinkish tinge on TP

06 June 2013

Super sore boobs

Nausea on and off (not too bad)

Tired eyes

Cramping on and off

Slight headache

Still no AF

Speaking to DH on Wednesday about this “Maybe Baby”, he was super stressed out. His company was talking again about closing down his department in the near future and thus retrenching him. Finances are tight already without this also happening. So I do understand his worries. But he asked me if there was anything I could take to make that the pregnancy doesn’t happen. (Even though if I was pregnant, it would be too late to take anything, and he was essentially asking me about terminating the pregnancy.) This got me thinking and as much as I love my husband, terminating a pregnancy is something I will not do. EVER!

I thought about if I did do it, and we eventually got around to trying for another in a year or two. What happens if we can’t conceive? I think I will resent DH for making me go through it and then also hating myself for not fighting harder. It is so with great relief (and disappointment) that AF arrived late last night.

I am relieved that I don’t have to go through a fight with DH about keeping the pregnancy.

I am relieved that we don’t have to go through the stress of being unable to finance another baby right now.

I am relieved that DH and I can now look at each other again.

On the other hand, I am rather disappointed because I want another baby so badly it hurts.

I am disappointed because Matthew won’t know the joy of being a big brother just yet.

I am disappointed because my arms long to hold another warm little body, my heart craves to love another little soul and my body is so ready to carry another living being.

But so be it. Our time will come, soon.