Positive minds

Feeling so much better today. I think I may have just slept properly, I don't know. But I am so glad I'm not feeling weepy or down today. Hopefully that is gone now. 

Matthew was too cute last night. We were laying bed and he asked to speak to his daddy. I called Mark and asked him to call me back. Matthew was a little upset because he couldn't talk to his dad but I assured him that Daddy is going to call right back and he can talk to him then. When Mark called back, Matthew then refused to speak. Turning his back and saying "Go away!", "Daddy rude". Hahahaha, all because we ended that first call. 

Shame he really does miss his dad and I think we all look forward to the weekend when we can spend some quality time together. I'm a bit glad the weather is rotten this weekend, that way we get to spend the whole weekend cuddled up under blankets and together. Here's hoping I can entertain Matthew before the boredom kicks in.

The mind is a really powerful thing. It's amazing how we can psyche ourselves out of anything. But getting into the right frame of mind isn't too hard and I'm glad I was able to quickly get out of my funk and pull some of my positivity back. 

Looking forward to the weekend and spending time with my loves!

Misery

I can't stop crying today.

Partly from missing hubby - he's home tomorrow. Can't wait
The rest is from thinking about the baby we lost. It wasn't even a baby yet. But we were excited. And I had started making plans mentally. 

I can't stop Googling miscarriages and why they happen. And thinking about whether it will happen again. 

I have a beautiful almost 3 year old. He is the light of my life and such a joy. I thank God for him. 

I am falling apart and I can't let that happen. I need to be strong for my son and my husband. I need to be strong to make it through this retrenchment. I need to be strong for me. 

But it's so hard. And I am so tired of fighting it.

I am cramping and this bleeding doesn't seem to want to stop. 

I miss my husband and need a huge hug so badly.

I'm crying again.

Why can't I stop. Maybe it's just the hormones leftover or something....

Dr visit

I had a visit with my gynae today for a check up. I explained everything to her and she says I most likely had what she terms a Biochemical Miscarriage. (I'm assuming this is the same thing as a chemical pregnancy) She says that at least we know everything is working and we don't have to wait to try again. 

She did an internal and I don't need a DNC, my womb is clean and just the lining that needs to pass. I was given some folic acid and told to test later next time :) 

She actually scolded me about not taking any folic acid yet. Saying that she doesn't want me to come back and say that I haven't been taking them. I'm so glad I went (even after being scared to go and look like an idiot). She has set my mind at ease and I now know for certain that everything is still working and we get right back into the game.

The only thing I know for sure right now, is that I am only testing at CD40 or something like that. :)

In other news, I just received a call from the WPBTS (Western Province Blood Transfusion Service) asking me to donate blood tonight. I informed the lady that I had a very early miscarriage and I don't think I feel up to donating this month. She was very sympathetic and concerned. She said she totally understands as she recently underwent a similar experience. After informing me that she will be putting a hold on them calling me for 3 months, she seemed to want to say more but was hesitant. Eventually she said good luck and wishes me everything of the best. She then goes on to say this "Who knows, maybe you will be blessed with 2 babies in the near future". Honestly, I am hoping she is right. But does she mean I'll have 2 babies including Matthew or that I will get pregnant with twins? I'm hoping for the latter (just don't tell Mark LOL).

2 lines and then....... Nothing (TMI)

On Thursday, 12 September, my life changed again. Seeing the 2 lines on the home pregnancy test was amazing. My first thoughts were how to tell hubby. Then how to tell Matthew. And our friends and family. How were we going to set up the baby room? These were my first thoughts. I kept this news to myself till Friday, when hubby came home from working away the week.

Faint line

I did another test Friday morning, wanting to be certain that the first test wasn't just showing an evap line or something. This test was from a different batch :)

Very faint line but still a line

I even went for blood work on Friday. Wanting to go to Mark with proof that there is definitely a little beanie baby.

The level was low (only 17) but still proof that I was pregnant, just very early on in pregnancy. I must be honest with myself here and say that I was a bit disappointed in the levels of my HcG count. I didn't want to get too excited and tell everyone only to not have this one go on. (Boy, do I need to trust my instincts more often.)

I told Mark by giving him a gift bag with a teeny tiny babygrow inside with the 2 tests wrapped in it. He opened the gift, just sat there looking at the babygrow (he didn't even open it up and see the tests).Watching the joy come over his face is something I will cherish forever. He was so happy and so excited! He (luckily) agreed with me to keep the secret with just us for a few days. We wanted to cherish this moment for a little while before involving everyone else. (Last time, he couldn't wait to shout it from the rooftops)
The weekend, we had a visit from Mark's parents. It was really hard not saying anything, not complaining about being nauseas and tired LOL! We were at my parents house yesterday and the same thing. It was hard not saying anything. hahahaha

It all started yesterday morning. I had gone to the loo and when I wiped there was a little red smear on the toilet paper. I didn't want to worry so I tried to play it off as maybe implantation bleeding or maybe breakthrough bleeding. (I still had all my pregnancy symptoms). We went to my parents house, had lunch and were just relaxing, watching tv when I went to the loo again and this time, it looked like AF arrived. *sob* It was bright red and there was (TMI) a little clot on the toilet paper. I was devastated. I didn't want to tell Mark. How do I break his world? How do I tell him the baby he was so looking forward to is no more??? 

I couldn't wait to go home. He just held me and told me that it's ok. But how is it ok? How did my body betray me like this and evict that tiny little bean? As bad as this is, I'm just glad the bleeding started yesterday while Mark was home and not while he is away this week. I would not have been able to handle this on my own. 

I never ever thought that I would have a miscarriage. I always thought that I'd get pregnant with the first try and carry a healthy baby to full term. I am too scared to try again though. I don't know if I'll be able to get through something like this again. Why did this happen? Maybe I just need time to get over this and I'll feel better when it's time to try again. Maybe....